Donald Trump – You Cannot Be Serious

Anyone born in the USA can, in theory, become President. So over the years there have been any number of hopefuls, including environmentalists, businessmen and, yes, former film actors, along with the career politicians, putting themselves before the public, and with varying degrees of success. Many candidacies are deadly serious, while some are mere attention-seeking buffoons.

Donald, where's your hairspray?

And in the attention-seeking buffoon category, there can be no finer specimen than the King of everything that is gross, tasteless, shallow, insincere, tacky and appallingly vain: Donald J Trump, chairman, CEO and supreme ruler of all things Trump, and combover champion sans pareil. This man is the closest thing the USA has to a national joke candidate.

Yet Trump gave every sign that he might have run in 2012 – before not running in 2012, at that point in the campaign when it all gets a tad more expensive – and is now suggesting he might have a go for real in 2016. For a Republican Party already reeling at the primary loss of House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, Trump’s presence in the building is something they don’t want, and certainly don’t need.

That doesn’t bother Donald, who is furiously Retweeting favourable opinions, such as “Trump wouldn’t be afraid to tighten our foreign policy! People would once again respect the US if he was elected!” [yeah, right] and “I have never voted before, but if Mr Trump ran for President, I would love nothing more than for my first vote to go to him”. Some citizens’ faith is touching, if hilariously misplaced.

Also misplaced is Trump’s understanding of minor foreign policy concerns like the Middle East, where all he can think about is oil, not that he’s a greaseball or anything like that, you understand. “Iraq told us to get out, Iraq is now falling, and Iraq now wants us to come back. Don’t do it unless we get the OIL, and I mean ALL OF IT!” he ranted, demonstrating that he has spent most of the past decade asleep.

But he’s ranting in all seriousness, as witness “I told all the haters and losers long ago that Iraq would fail, take the OIL or get out fast! Massive waste of lives and trillions of [US Dollars]”. Well, there’s 20/20 hindsight for you, as well an missing the minor point that Iraq never asked the “Coalition of the willing” to come in the first place. Anyone would think he was all wind and piss.

I mean, what substance does he bring to the table? What kind of achievements can he point to? As if you need to ask: “The Miss USA pageant was the highest rated non-sports telecast on the Big 4 networks. Congratulations to our newly crowned [Nia Sanchez]!” Tweeted the man who, if elevated to the White House, would turn his country into an equally grotesque laughing stock.

In the UK, “Trump” is a synonym of “Fart”. Just saying, you understand, Don.