Nadine Dorries’ Boris Fantasy

A Tory Party dream ticket for next year’s General Election has been revealed, if only in the dreams of Mid-Bedfordshire’s MP (yes, it’s her again) Nadine Dorries: she is sure that if Young Dave made London’s occasional Mayor Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson his deputy, and got him back into the Commons in time for election day, then all will be well and the Blue Team will be returned to majority power.

There is only one problem with this analysis: she has resorted to telling a number of less than totally true things in order to stand it up, particularly with regard to the achievements of Bozza’s Mayoralty. And she uses a most unfortunate metaphor at the outset: “Boris is our Heineken. He reaches parts of the electorate other politicians fail to reach”. Consider the reality of that comparison.

Heineken, at least the version sold in the UK, is overpriced, overrated, packed with cheap substitute ingredients, full of gas, and has its image as a quality product manufactured and maintained entirely by PR and advertising. Yes, that just about sums up Bozza, but maybe not in the way the fragrant Nadine expected.

Try again: “since Boris became the Mayor of London, it has become one of the safest cities in the world”. Crime was falling under the Livingstone Mayoralty, and Bozza has been cutting Police numbers. Time will tell on that one.

“Boris brought back the hop-on, hop-off bus loved by Londoners and helped create jobs in the North of England by awarding the contracts to firms in Northern cities”. Baloney. The BozzaMaster will cost Londoners hundreds of millions of pounds extra – over and above what ordinary buses cost – in its lifetime. Not much to love there. And those contracts go to Northern Ireland, not England.

“Crystal Palace is being rebuilt”. No it isn’t. “Carbon emissions are down 20 per cent, including dangerous nitrous oxide”. Nitrous oxide? Laughing gas? Perhaps she means Nitrogen Dioxide, and its level has exceeded targets in many London boroughs. Reduction figures are very much an aspiration right now.

And what’s this? “Air-conditioning introduced into Tube trains”. Wrong. No tube trains will offer passengers air-conditioning for many years into the future. Perhaps she means those for Sub-Surface Lines (SSLs). Londoners will know the difference.

Then comes an absolute pearler: “when Boris speaks, people believe him. Because he has a proven track record in winning elections and delivering on his promise”. Folks don’t believe anyone who says he’s going to extend Tramlink to Crystal Palace, only to renege on the promise as soon as he gets elected.

And as to “delivering on his promise”, that only proves true if vanity projects are what you’re looking for. But good to see Ms Dorries a stranger to reality once again.