Liz Jones – Scrooge In The Kitchen

Of all the Daily Mail and Mail On Sunday Glendas, none gives quite as much scope for having the piss taken out of them as Liz Jones. Catty, miserable, stuck-up and selfish, she might as well display a sign on her house saying “abandon hope all ye who enter here”. Christmas chez Liz must be one of the most deeply dispiriting experiences known to humankind.

What do you think of it so far?

Ms Jones is clearly going to have a very singular festive season. So she is sharpening her claws to attack anyone who is looking Happy With Malice Aforethought on the TV right now. This means Kirstie Allsopp gets it in the neck for making suggestions for decorations. “The festive season reached its nadir last week when Kirstie Allsopp told us all how we can make our own tree decoration”.

What is the problem here? Kirstie is a bit bossy, but she does fun TV. It’s not something to take too seriously. Or is it that Liz isn’t getting any invites from the broadcasters right now? It’s those who are getting the telly exposure that are the ones on the receiving end of the Jones bile, including the Dimbleby family (because they’re one of those dynasty thingies, which is A Very Bad Thing Indeed).

Also getting whinged at was Gordon Expletive Deleteding Ramsay. “If I had a husband who was as hyperactive and fidgety, I’d stab him” says Liz, seemingly forgetting that she doesn’t have a husband, as she loused that chapter up in some style – and then span it out into so many self-pitying columns that one half expected her to be paid to stop it and go away.

But the piece de resistance is yet another snark at Jack Monroe, who has had the effrontery to complain to Geordie Greig himself about Ms Jones’ whingeing. Liz is most unhappy about this example of readers doing exactly what they are entitled to, and as a result has launched into a self-justifying tirade, telling of all those things that she has written about, and therefore knows more about than everyone else.

Basically, Ms Monroe is in a no-win situation here: she objected to Liz Jones implying that her recipes used bargain basement meat when they’re priced for free range, but Ms Jones then moved the goalposts and made all meat Streng Verboten. The Jones household is vegan, and so Christmas there will mean nut roast, which readers are assured is “delicious”.

I’ll take her word for it, thanks. Christmas Day with Liz Jones sounds as appealing as a wet night at Liversedge Tram Sheds. It wouldn’t surprise me if there wasn’t even a decent glass of beer available, on the grounds that something got inhumanely treated during the mash process. But then, that’s why she’s so up herself about all the slebs she slags off. Because they will have lots of folk around at Christmas.

And Liz Jones won’t. Bah humbug!