Captain Bellend MP – No He Isn’t

Three months ago, Zelo Street featured a post on one of its favourite subjects, the loathsome Toby Young (that’s the Hon Toby Daniel Moorsom Young, folks), who had decided he was open to the idea of throwing his ego into the ring as the Tories considered who should represent them in their attempt to unseat sitting Labour MP Andy Slaughter in Hammersmith.

Tobes had told Damian Thompson, clueless pundit of no fixed hair appointment, that he was looking forward to the possibility of subjecting himself to judgment by the electorate. No doubt they would have enjoyed the opportunity to consider someone who can happily blow more than £3,000 on a fridge, and who likes to demonise trades unions, before placing their votes elsewhere.

The conclusion had to be reached that Tobes’ candidacy would be A Very Good Thing – well, for all the other parties, anyway – and that Slaughter would love to see him nominated by the Tories. Such a move would encourage his media pals to turn up and help, and this would turn off yet more voters. It would be a rout of magnificent proportions. But, sadly, it isn’t going to happen.

“Why I’m not going to be an MP” was his Spectator announcement at the end of last week. Bugger. Why not, Tobes? He’s, wait for it, too busy. Wait, what? Well, it’s more original than the hair appointment excuse. Anyhow, tell us more. “Damn and blast. I was quite keen on becoming the Conservative candidate for Hammersmith, but the timing isn’t going to work”.

And, as the man said, there’s more: “My hope was that the local association would delay advertising for a candidate until next year, at which point I would have thrown my hat into the ring. Unfortunately, they’re keen to get someone in place straightaway and I have too much on my plate at present ... That sounds like an excuse, but it isn’t”. Panto season? Oh yes it is!

But he is modest with it: “I quite fancy playing the John Connor role in this drama — he’s the saviour of mankind, in case you’ve forgotten — but I just can’t do it at the moment”. The whole of mankind? Even his pal James “saviour of Western civilisation” Delingpole doesn’t make such grand claims. But enough of the excuses – this kind of behaviour is Tobes to a T.

He crapped out of the Rally Against Debt – remember that? – after saying it was an event everyone should attend. Moreover, his charitable trust “is currently advertising for a CEO ... if we don’t get a strong field of applicants, I may have to apply for the job myself ... my first responsibility must be to [the pupils]”. More and bigger paycheques for Himself Personally Now, but think about the children!

And Tobes wonders why anyone should find him loathsome. Got a mirror, have you?