Still No Gong For Dacre

While the list of new peerages was being pored over yesterday, in one part of London there was no rejoicing, but only thundering disapproval. As reality dawned on Northcliffe House that the legendarily foul mouthed Paul Dacre had once again been passed over for the gong that he knew was rightfully his, the intensity of the outbursts rocketed. There were more “drive-by shoutings” by the minute.

Course I deserve a f***ing peerage, c***

Even more Daily Mail staff than usual found themselves summarily “double c***ed” as the Vagina Monologue railed at the ungrateful political class, who were deemed to owe him that peerage in return for, well, spending every working hour slagging them off and attempting to bully them into bending to his will. But once again he had been ignored. Downfall in the Fuehrerbunker didn’t come close.

So it should surprise no-one to see, in today’s Daily Mail Comment, the authentic voice of the Vagina Monologue, the headline thundering “Another grubby day for our political class”. There was news that the “Prime Minister and his deputy appointed donors, cronies and placemen to an already bloated House of Lords which now has even more members than the European Parliament”.

What relevance is the European Parliament, which is an elected body? Whatever. After kicking Young Dave, Corporal Clegg gets it in the neck: “He also gave a peerage to the ex-policeman turned reality TV ‘star’ Brian Paddick, who piloted a soft approach to cannabis on the streets of London, before being thrashed into fourth place in a contest to become the city’s mayor”.

Brian Paddick is gay, and the Mail once branded him “The Camp Commander”. You’d never have guessed, though, would you? And, as the man said, there’s more: “The truth is the Blair government’s ‘reforms’, which replaced hereditary peers with life peers, have turned the second chamber into a retirement home for failed politicians, over-the-hill party hacks and (often pretty dodgy) donors”.

Nice snark at Danny Finkelstein there, which I’m sure he’ll appreciate. So what is Dacre’s preferred solution? “What the upper house desperately needs is figures of gravitas and stature from the real world, with the skills and experience to guide the country through tough economic times and bring their wisdom to debate the great moral and social challenges facing Britain today”.

And who could he mean? Who could bring “gravitas and stature”, “skills and experience”, and “wisdom”, as well as wall to wall swearing, to debate those great moral and social challenges? Why, there can only be one solution: step forward Baron Dacre of Double C***ing in the county of Middle F***ing England!

But the sad reality is, despite the singularly unusual job application, Dacre ain’t getting a gong, and the only person who gives a crap about that is him.