Boris Says I Know Nothing

Once again, as befits the new week, there is another fresh and steaming pile of, er, output on offer at the Maily Telegraph courtesy of London’s occasional Mayor Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, for which he has trousered his customary £5,000 of “chicken feed”. After the usual bonhomie, telling how wonderful the Anniversary Games were, we find that today’s topic is immigration.

Oo-er chaps! Controversy! Cavey readers! Cripes!

Actually, make that illegal immigration. Bozza has been upbraided by a woman holding a carton of drink which, he believed, she might empty over him, but why this should be is unclear. Perhaps The Great Man has detected a recent decline in his popularity, especially among those who travel by bus between central London and, oh I dunno, how about Hampstead Heath?

The woman who grumbled at Bozza, to his clear irritation and inconvenience – I mean, what are all those deputy Mayors there for, if not to do the real work and allow him to bumble around picking up the plaudits and plot his new meisterwerk on Winshton, with the associated trousering of More And Bigger Paycheques For Himself Personally Now? – was a lawyer, so was clearly a rotten leftie.

How could he be so sure? Well, she had objected to what is becoming known as the “Racist Van”, an advertising vehicle that is, purely by coincidence you understand, touring areas of the capital where there are significant populations of south Asian residents. The van carries the subtle message “In the UK illegally? Go home or face arrest” and offers translations only in Hindi, Punjabi and Urdu.

This suggests that yer average Russian hit-man, South American drug enforcer or representative of the Triads should not worry themselves unduly. It also suggests that, once again, there is more than just a coincidence between Bozza’s pal Lynton Crosby arriving at 10 Downing Street and a crude example of dog-whistling. As Private Eye might have asked, I wonder if the two are in any way related?

So when Bozza excuses himself by claiming, in true Fawlty Towers style, “I know nothing”, the thought enters that he is possibly being more than a little economical with the actualité. He has his excuses all lined up, painting “eloquent” lawyers and those pesky human rights as something “lefty”, and makes sure you can’t call him racist, because, well, he’s just cheered on Mo Farah.

What Bozza fails to do is to address the potential for incitement of the “Racist Van”, whose appearance was somehow slipped past the Tories’ coalition partners, as Vince Cable revealed on The Andy Marr Show (tm) yesterday morning. It’s nothing to do with him, and anyone who stops his serene progress in the general direction of the nearest hot food is just arguing against the rule of law.

And if you believe that, you’ll believe anything.