The Not At All Gay Black Helmet

A most extraordinary interview has been granted to the Radio Times by the appallingly vain and overmonied Simon Cowell, aka the Black Helmet, which is of course not timed to promote the upcoming new series of The X Factor, which will generate yet more copy even before it airs later in the year. Cowell has used the interview to talk about his sexuality. Perhaps.

Well, here on Zelo Street there is no concern over what the Black Helmet gets up to in his own time and with whichever consenting adults happen to be involved. But Cowell nevertheless wants to bang on about it. This guarantees ratings for future shows, and ratings mean more and bigger paycheques for Himself Personally Now. As if he’s short of a few quid.

Anyway, Cowell says he’s not gay. And to make sure everybody understands this, he lets it be known that he fancies Cheryl Curl. Or at least he did when he hired her. And that means he’s dead straight. Except then he says “I think my entire production stage - including a lot of gay people were madly in love with Cheryl”. Ah, so fancying Ms Curl does not mean you’re straight.

Never mind, though, he definitely fancied Dannii Minogue, to the extent that they slept together. Well, he says they did. On more than one occasion. He even confided in “a pal” that “There were a few bonks and then it petered out while I was in America”. Call me mildly sceptical (because I am mildly sceptical), but that doesn’t sound the most romantic or fondly remembered relationship.

And remember, he isn’t gay, and isn’t bothered about such things: “I work in possibly the gayest industry in the world. Music and TV. It would make no difference to my life or my career”. So yes or no? “A lot of my friends are gay but I'm not and don't even think that way any more”. You don’t think any more like what? Is Cowell saying he used to “think gay”? That’s a strange comment.

Whatever. He’s not concerned: “I couldn't care less (if people think I'm gay) because it's nothing to be ashamed of”. Well, it ain’t anyone else going on ad infinitum about it. OK, perhaps the thought that there may be attractive young women who might be after a single but unfeasibly wealthy 53 year old for other than his charm and company might make the bloke wary.

But the Black Helmet keeps coming back – apparently of his own volition – to the subject of his sexuality. Of course, Cowell could just decide not to talk about it. After all, there will be gossip and rumour either way.

The current situation suggests he is protesting too much about something.