Boris’ Anonymous Christmas Message

Nowadays, Christmas messages are not confined to Royalty. The Pope delivers one. The Archbishop of Canterbury follows suit. Young Dave has his own jolly good variation on the theme. And so does London’s occasional Mayor Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, whose message to the nation has been brought to us courtesy of a supposed third party whisper to the Maily Telegraph.

Gosh chaps, rumbled by that Zelo chappie again!

However – and with Bozza there is inevitably a however – there is next to no chance of him actually putting his name to the piece, which instead carries the by-line of deputy political editor James Kirkup (perhaps Benedict Brogan declined the opportunity to play obedient conduit for The Great Man). But that Bozza is the author of much of the content is in no doubt.

“Tories preparing Boris Johnson’s return to Parliament” proclaims the headline, with the sub-heading telling “Several Conservative MPs in safe seats are prepared to resign and allow Boris Johnson to return to the Commons within weeks of the next general election, Tory sources have revealed”. But there’s only one MP prepared to make way for Bozza, Zac Goldsmith, and it’s not a particularly safe seat.

So the “several MPs” may be wishful thinking. And the key line in this article is this: “a senior party figure close to the Mayor told the Daily Telegraph that Mr Johnson is more likely to wait to see the result of the [2015] election first”. Who is this senior party figure? Well, who writes a weekly column of stream of consciousness guff for the Tel and gets £250k a year for it? That is Bozza speaking.

When the “source” says “There is absolutely no need for Boris to show his hand so quickly. He can wait for the result and play it by ear”, then, that means “There is absolutely no need for me to show my hand so quickly. I can wait for the result and play it by ear” (give or take the odd “yikes”, “oo-er” and “crikey chaps”). This is so obviously the result of a chat with the man himself.

And when the “source” then says “Getting a seat is no problem for Boris. There are several he can have whenever he wants ... It wouldn’t take long at all. It could be done in weeks, if it was necessary”, that is Bozza talking up his value to the Tory Party. Who these MPs are who would immediately roll over and play doormat for Johnson is not told – because he doesn’t know anyone who would do so.

In the old days when many Tory MPs used being an MP as a second occupation, that might have proved true. Now that so many are career politicians, Bozza may find himself getting told to shove off and look elsewhere. And he may also find that all those vanity bikes, that vanity cable car, the vanity buses and the fares hikes have caught up with him and his reputation come 2015.

It could be rather more difficult than dictating copy to the Tel. Cripes readers!