Hefferlump On Autopilot

The Coalition, it has been concluded by Simon “Enoch was right” Heffer, is not fit for purpose. This is primarily because it does not accord with the conclusions from his own uniquely superior insights into what is needed to make Britain suitably great once again. But his bluster does not survive the merest examination, such is his tendency to throw together articles in true Phil Space style.

Anonymous Ranter addresses Ranters Anonymous

“Forget focus groups. They should listen to the wealth creators who know how to get Britain working” reads the headline, and here the Hefferlump goes wrong even before the body of the piece. His “wealth creators” include a backbench Tory MP who also sits on the boards of a number or companies, someone who has sat on the boards of Tesco and Asda, and the current head of an employers’ lobby group.

Perhaps Heffer can clarify what makes these august gents “wealth creators”. Sitting on company boards may help to give an enterprise direction, but the ones who really generate the wealth are all those who actually do the work (and whose pension funds invest in such companies, also helping to generate wealth). So perhaps The Great Man would care to solicit their views?

Well, no he wouldn’t: the only way they would feature would be by being included in focus groups, and Heffer is dead set against these. And he’s also set against what he calls “green taxes”, because the Chinese don’t have any. Perhaps China finances all those new wind farms with magic money. The Hefferlump doesn’t pause to consider this, because he wants to talk representation.

“When a government — or a whole political class — simply indulges the prejudices of groups of unrepresentative people (on policies such as taxes and airport expansion), it stops thinking for itself and fails to govern properly. With notable ministerial exceptions, this has happened to the Coalition” he moans. So his three are more representative than the voters who returned hundreds of MPs?

And what are these “notable ministerial exceptions”? As if you need to ask. “Education Secretary Michael Gove has sought to ... raise standards by introducing tougher examinations”. He hasn’t introduced any examinations, Simon. “Iain Duncan Smith ... has brought a radical and well-informed approach to welfare reform”. Ho yus. Picking on the disabled and fiddling your statistics is “radical”, is it?

Then he goes totally gaga and digs up the “Euro doomed” canard, and suggests that Britain might even get consulted if the Israelis decide to have a pop at Iran. So our response to such events would require “leadership”. Yeah, right. If the Hefferlump is so damn sure of his righteousness, one has to wonder why he has not offered his services by standing for office, such is his clearly impeccable vision.

Or perhaps not even his pals at UKIP were daft enough to take him seriously.