Unemployed Husband Beater In The Dock

A former secretary who memorably roughed up her first husband, became the adopted mother of a surrogate baby, and resigned her last job amid Police investigations that included bungs, listening in to phone messages and getting into email accounts, was yesterday arraigned in London. It was a tabloid hack’s dream come true. So where were they all?

Sorry, no dance classes at Holloway

You won’t find this story in the Mirror. And you certainly won’t find it in the Super Soaraway Currant Bun, although to its credit the Daily Star covers it. As Rolf might have said, Can you guess what it is yet? Yes, it’s Rebekah Brooks. Had the twinkle toed yet domestically combative former Screws and Sun editor been living on her own in a council flat, they would have been in like a shot.

But, illustrating the code of Omerta among those who scrabble around the dunghill that is Grubstreet, rather than getting several microphones up her nose and attracting pages of why-oh-why punditry, Brooks has not even featured in many of the papers today: in addition to those two red-tops, the story also got missed by the Maily Telegraph.

And the “mid market” papers are missing the story, too: both the Express and Mail have no mention of Brooks getting charged, and given Richard “Dirty” Desmond owns both Express and Daily Star, it’s strange that one features the news, but not the other. Where else can you read all about it? As with anything related to Phonehackgate, it’s all there in the Guardian.

Who else is involved? Well, Brooks gets her own court appearance, on September 3, but six others, including Andy Coulson, Stuart Kuttner (wishing more than ever that he had kept schtum during that BBC Radio appearance with Nick Davies), and Neville “Stylish Masturbator” Thirlbeck, appear earlier, on August 16, all appearances being before Westminster Magistrates’ court.

Anyone not able to make either date need not feel left out, as this is not the end of Brooks’ court appearances: she still faces three counts of conspiracy to pervert the course of justice and will appear later in September at Southwark Crown court (that means it’s more serious) along with second husband Charlie Brooks. Fortunately for her, Holloway got refurbished not long ago.

As to the ones who profited the most from this sorry business, well, there are no moves as yet to charge Rupe and Junior. But perhaps Young Dave and his jolly good fellow chaps might think twice next time the editor of the deeply subversive Guardian warns them that their first choice for chief spinmeister may not be a particularly wise one.

Not bad for a “non-story”, this lark, is it?