Kavanagh In Fairyland

I don’t often look in on the bizarre world of Sun veteran Trevor Kavanagh, and perhaps that is a habit that needs rectifying, as each occasion brings rich rewards in my search for the most ridiculous and laughter inducing dross produced by those who scrabble around the dunghill that is Grubstreet. His latest offering reaches a pinnacle of jaw-dropping silliness that he may find hard to replicate.

I wouldn't stand there if I were you

Trev’s subject is The Queen (gawd bless ‘er!) onto whom he projects a load of attributes she does not possess. Also projected is what she says and thinks: “WHEN the world economy crashed in 2008, the Queen famously wondered how greedy bankers had been allowed to drag us into such a mess”. No Trev, you don’t know what she wondered. One does not let on what one is wondering.

But do go on. “She has been kept up to date by every Prime Minister since Winston Churchill”. Yes, and what a recommendation he isn’t: Winshton was probably half-cut every time he was wheeled over to Buck Hise for his weekly chat. Oh, and as for “The Queen has been publicly unruffled through 60 years”, er, Diana. And letting Macmillan con her into sending for Baillie Vass.

Cartoonist caught 'evin a larf

Ah, but “her record of steadfast continuity could pay dividends for the British people”. How so? “Britain’s centuries-old reputation for stability is worth its weight in gold. If the run on EU banks gathers pace, everyone will be looking for ‘safe havens’ — somewhere to put their money amid market panic”. So a monarch with no executive power has something to do with the banking system? Who knew that?

And, after asserting that the US Dollar is “the world’s strongest currency” (debateable), he continues “among EU states, Britain offers unique sanctuary for capital in flight”. Unique how, exactly? “A free floating currency”. Same as the Euro, then. “We can cut spending and taxes without asking permission”. Same as Germany. And France. And Austria. And Italy. And Spain. And ... oh, go on.

“Britain has never been occupied”. That depends on how you define “Britain” and “occupy”, as well as the length of historical perspective. “We live under a tried, tested and unbroken system of democracy”. Unbroken since when? Universal suffrage at age 21 for just over 80 years, and at age 18 for half that time. Property qualification for voting lasted until after the Great War (that means less than 100 years ago).

“Unlike Greece, Spain, Italy and Portugal, we have never been crushed by the jackboot of fascist or military dictatorships”. Oliver Cromwell not Trev’s strongest subject then. And it’s stretching it to call the Estado Novo fascist. But there’s a clincher: “We have the world’s last proper monarchy”. Jordan. Netherlands. Spain. Norway. Denmark. Belgium. Sweden. Fish in a barrel stuff, isn’t it?

But it serves the Sun’s fawningly royalist agenda, so that’s all right, then.