So Farewell Then Boris Johnson

He was the turd that not even the most determinedly sycophantic part of our free and fearless press could polish; then he was the turd that would not flush. During his time in office, that turd stank out Parliament, Downing Street, the TV studios, and a host of other venues, leaving the rank and lingering stench of corruption in its wake. Now, finally, he has gone.

Former alleged Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson had to be out of bed early this morning - one hopes, for the sake of his successor, that this was not due to his having shat it - to be driven to RAF Northolt for a flight, by private jet of course, to Aberdeen, from where he would be driven to Balmoral Castle, in order to finally tender his resignation to Brenda.

Being flown from RAF Northolt in yet another of those private jets - with no criticism on environmental or expense grounds likely from her cheerleaders in the press - is Liz Truss, who will arrive at Balmoral soon after Bozo departs and the stench is cleared away. Johnson may get to work on his next money making opportunity, dashing off piss-poor columns for the highest bidder.

Having been forced to rise, if not shine, at such an early hour, Bozo proceeded to address the adoring multitude outside in Downing Street (Jacob Rees and Nadine Bonkers). Accompanied by third wife Carrie, who ensured she did not let the SOB out of her sight, he shuffled out to the lectern and did what he does best: he talked well, but lied badly.

He had Got Brexit Done. Except he hadn’t: he and his ministers have spent an inordinate amount of time arguing the toss over the Northern Ireland Protocol, which he signed the country up to and then claimed wasn’t what he really wanted. He repeated his claim of 40 new hospitals and this, too, was a flat out lie. The claim of 50,000 additional Police officers didn’t make the cut.

And then there was that next Big Call that he got right: he had “delivered the fastest vaccine rollout in Europe”. Sadly, this too was a lie: the Governments of Malta, and more significantly, Portugal, may want a word. Both were faster in getting 90% of their eligible population double jabbed. Any claim that this supposedly fastest vaccine rollout was due to Brexit is also a lie.

The rambling apologia included “The baton will be handed over in what has unexpectedly turned out to be a relay race. They changed the rules halfway through, but never mind that now”. They changed the rules? No, Bozo, you broke the rules. Which happened to be the law. And you got caught. The only PM to be done for breaking the law while in office.

He also repeated the bizarre claim that the percentage of homes with access to gigabit broadband had gone from 7 to 70. What he did not say, because not even he would try to pull a whopper that big, was that those 70% of premises were actually connected to that high speed broadband.

There would be “a new nuclear reactor every year”, which is another to ignite the trousers. New nuclear was part of what Pa Broon’s outgoing Labour Government left for the Tories to progress. That progress has seen two reactors under construction (Hinkley Point “C”) in 12 years. They’ll not be generating electricity until 2027. So that’s one new reactor every 8.5 years.

Otherwise, it was the usual Bozo rambling: “And as a result unemployment, as I leave office, unemployment down to lows not seen since I was about 10 years old and bouncing around on a spacehopper, my friends.” When he was 10 years old, we had a Labour Government. But do go on.

“On the subject of bouncing around in future careers - let me say that I am now like one of those booster rockets that has fulfilled its function and I will now be gently reentering the atmosphere and splashing down invisibly in some remote and obscure corner of the Pacific”. If only there were some way of ensuring the SOB remains in a remote and obscure corner of the Pacific.

Rambling, and selective: “I'm proud to have discharged the promises I made to my party when you were kind enough to choose me, winning the biggest majority since 1987”. He forgot Tony Blair’s majorities in two successive General Elections. You remember - all that chaos with Labour versus the wonderful stability under the Tories. When the NHS was decently funded.

But after 12 years of Young Dave, Treeza and Bozo, we have a country crumbling at the edges, a workforce increasingly restive, a wider population disillusioned, and thanks to Brexit, an economy permanently hobbled. No amount of Bozo’s delusion and dishonesty is going to paper over the cracks.

Now, thankfully, he has finally gone. Let’s hope he never comes back.

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