When yesterday’s papers all left Brexit off their front pages, after days of blustering braggadocio telling the rotten Eurocrats how we were British, we were right, and we would prevail, one thing was clear: among those who scrabble around the dunghill that is Grubstreet, the realisation had dawned that this leaving the EU malarkey was not quite going to be the walk in the park that its proponents had promised us.
And while David Davis fetches up on The Andy Marr Show (tm) and cheerily assures his inquisitor that everything is fine, even the most diehard EU bashers in the press are starting not just to have second thoughts, but to panic. This can be seen to excellent effect in the latest hot and steaming pile to be excreted by the Sun’s prime Sunday has-been Tony Parsons, who shambles around the houses before finally getting to the point.
“Theresa May can’t win another election… but she can become the Brexit champion and get best deal for UK” proclaims the headline, followed by the obligatory Labour-bashing “Theresa May scraped home by the skin of her leopard-print heels against a Labour party which included a rabble of terrorist-supporting, economically illiterate lefty loony bins”. Yes, you want mental health smears, it’s all in the Super Soaraway Currant Bun.
So what is he driving at? “May can’t campaign her way out of a paper bag … Yet this Prime Minister still has the chance to leave No 10 Downing Street with her head held high … The federalist fanatics of Brussels are not remotely interested in reaching a sensible settlement for the UK’s withdrawal from the European Union that keeps both sides happy … They want to give us a punishment beating”. Wow. Do go on.
“Unlike David Cameron … she is not a spineless coward … She stayed at her post not because it was the easy thing to do, but because it was the best thing for her country. Because she is a patriot … And now it is time for May to play her crucial role in our country’s future”. Right lads, let’s all get in the fish tank and sing Jerusalem.
Will he ever get to the point? “Negotiations in Brussels are going nowhere. May needs to sideline those puffed-up political pygmies Michel Barnier and Jean-Claude Juncker … It is time for the British Prime Minister to talk directly to the leaders of business and the leaders of nations … Which was what she did on this week’s trip to Japan, where she had one-to-one meetings with the heads of Nissan, Toyota and Hitachi”. Yeah, right.
If she’s supposed to be in Brussels, there is no point her being in Japan, is there? But you’ll love this: “Stuff Barnier and Juncker … Hammer Brexit out with Macron and Merkel and the chiefs of BMW, Audi and VW”. Yes, Parsons finally got to the point. And it was to advocate something that is not going to happen.
If Tony Parsons hasn’t got his head round the reality of this situation - that the Brexit negotiations have been entrusted by the EU27 to M Barnier and his team, for them to progress and conclude as they see fit - he should not be pontificating on the subject.
But when was ineptitude a bar to ranting for the Murdoch press? Pass the sick bag.